EXPERT ADVICE – “My Wife doesn’t want to have sex”

My wife doesn't want to have sex with me - wife and husband unhappy in the bedroom


When your wife turns away your sexual advances, it can make you question your attractiveness and lead to a lot of anger and resentment.

But don’t jump into conclusions or give up on your sex life, or your wife, just yet.

Consider the following realities:

Men’s sexual desire is different from women’s sexual desire.

Men have higher levels of testosterone than women.

This hormone causes them to want and have sex. Women, on the other hand, have a high level of oxytocin, the bonding hormone. This hormone makes women want to form a connection with your loved ones. While you are ready to have sex, your wife is prepared to snuggle.

As such, the theory is that it doesn’t take a lot for guys to get into the mood to have sex. Sex for many men is almost spontaneous. A thought has merely to pop into your head, and it will create a desire to have sex.

For a woman, on the other hand, her desire is responsive, and it needs nurturing. This means that it mostly comes from external factors: how loved she feels, how much you help her at home, how patient you are with the children or how much effort you put into date nights.

It isn’t your behavior that turns her on but what your gestures represent; Love, compassion, and consideration.

Sex is like cooking dinner

No matter how much you enjoy the end product of AN activity, there are days when you don’t feel like putting the effort in the process.

This is especially true for sex in a long-term relationship. It is more challenging to maintain the anticipatory eagerness after you have been with the same partner for a long time.

The fact that you and your wife have mismatched sexual desires is not a deal breaker. The first step towards a solution is understanding the reason why your wife doesn’t want to have sex anymore.

She is no longer attracted to you

Has your wife lost her attraction for you?

If your wife has lost her feelings of attraction for you, she will not have much desire to have sex with you.

Feeling emotionally connected with you helps your wife to feel turned on. If you are the sort of a man who comes home, throws your socks on the floor, turns on the TV and then demands sex when you get under the covers, you have a long dry spell ahead of you.

Have you lost your masculinity?

Power dynamics in a relationship also affect sexual attraction. If you hand over complete power and control to your wife thinking that this will make her happy, you will lose her attraction.

The same happens when you take over all the power and leave your wife feeling inadequate and unattractive.

The correct balance of power to ensure that your wife does not lose her sexual attraction for you is to remain a strong, leading man who takes charge, while you also inspire and encourage her to take charge of things that she enjoys.

You must love, respect and cherish your wife, but also earn her respect and admiration all the time.

She is insecure about her body

The current world of swimsuits and Victoria’s Secret has eaten away many women’s sense of beauty and attractiveness.

  • How can your wife compete with the images of the ‘flawless’ women around her when childbirth has left her a few sizes bigger and stretch marks adorn her body?
  • Is your wife secure about your attraction for her?
  • Does she feel sexy in your presence?
  • Does she still make you excited when she steps out of the shower naked?

She is exhausted

At the end of a hectic day at work, school drop-offs, doctor visits, and household chores, it is likely that your wife is genuinely exhausted to even think about having sex.

Exhaustion is real. Your wife needs to feel energetic and refreshed for her to enjoy sex. If she never has room to rest or time for herself, then she probably has nothing to give to you.

Sex is no longer satisfying

Over time, it is possible that sex has become routine. If sex with your wife has become too predictable: same position, same place, and, the same time – it is probably time to mix things up.

Also, do you go out of your way to make sex enjoyable for her? You know how you like sex. Do you know how she loves it?

Sex is painful for her

According to sex therapist Dr. Tammy Nelson, both men and women experience hormonal fluctuations.

The hormonal changes may affect your wife’s sex drive, readiness for sex and vaginal wetness. Always remember to take things slow. Your wife’s arousal period is longer than yours. So, when sex goes too fast from one thing to another, she may be left feeling dissatisfied.

After you have understood the cause of your wife’s lack of sexual desire, you can then embark on reviving your sexual life. However, you need to understand that you will only succeed by fully engaging your wife.

Talk to your wife about your feelings

Talking to your wife about her lack of desire is the first step towards getting things back on track. Bear in mind that how you approach the issue makes the difference between progress and failure of your relationship.

Let your wife know that sexual intimacy is a crucial part of your marriage. Be very specific and upfront about your concerns. At the same time be kind, empathetic and understanding so that your wife does not feel that you are blaming or judging her.

The sooner your wife feels the assurance that you are compassionate about her situation, the quicker she will she will open up and genuinely participate in the process of bringing back her sexual desire.

Gain back your wife’s respect for you

We have established that your wife’s respect for you and her attraction go hand in hand.

Your wife does not want to teach you how to be a man. Focus on saying and doing things that will make your wife respect you again. When you lose your masculinity, and your wife feels like she has taken on the role of the mother to you, or like she is the stronger one in the marriage.

She will not be sexually attracted to you. The moment you gain back your masculinity, you will gain back her respect and get her sexual desire going again.

Make sex fun again

If your sex has gone to humdrum, liven it up again. Change the scene or make the bedroom sexy and romantic. Use your imagination and ensure that your wife has fun.

Listen to your wife and let her be involved in what she likes, how she loves it and let her reach orgasm. Don’t buy into the lie that a woman doesn’t have to have an orgasm every time. Work hard to achieve this together even if not at the same time.

Oh, and quit touching her only when you want sex. Your wife needs to be touched, kissed, and hugged all the time: not just when you want action. This is what will get you far.

In Summary…

Remember, sex is never just sex. The expression of sexual intimacy is just part of a package in your relationship. If other things are not working in your relationship, sex will not be great either.

Make sure the connection with your wife is intact because if your wife feels even the slightest sense of neglect, it will become easy for her to say ‘No’ to sex.

Sex is a sacred language only you and your wife speak. It is an escape from every day and a return to yourselves. It is your reality; it is essential. It is what your marriage needs to survive. Do what you have to do to revive your sex life.